The Man of the New Millenium

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The Man of the New Millennium

"Don't cry son, be a man about it." Across the United States, young boys hold back tears in fear of shaming their fathers. "Go ahead and let it all out son," says a comforting mother as her son cries on her shoulder. Boys are also taught to show emotion and talk about problems with their mothers. When boys become men, expectations about communication with wives and girlfriends arise. These conflicting expectations and teachings easily serve as a source of confusion to young boys or adolescents as they make their journey toward manhood. Once men are involved with women in long term relationships, the confusion continues as good communication becomes a necessity. Our country teaches its young boys that real men do not cry or show emotion, yet, they should be able to communicate with their partners and be in touch with their emotions. The changing expectations placed on maturing boys, single men, and men involved in a relationship are conflicting and confusing. Although emotional expectations placed on men may conflict, it is possible for men to improve the way they communicate with their partners.

In the traditional views presented about boyhood, there is a theme do not show emotion.

Jon Katz's, How Boys Become Men, describes the unspoken laws that govern boyhood. These rules include, "Never Rat. If your parents ask about your bruises, shrug. Never admit fear. Ride the roller coaster, join the fistfight, do what you have to do. Asking for help is for sissies. Empathy is for nerds. You can help your best buddy under certain circumstances. Everyone else is on his own. Never discuss anything of substance with anybody. Grunt, shrug, dump on teachers, laugh at wimps, talk about comic books. Anything else is risky," (Katz 484). As one can tell, Katz's rules for boys predominately apply to the showing of emotions. Katz's rules say that if a boy shows fear, sadness, empathy or any emotions, that boy is not fulfilling his role well and therefore will not fulfill his role well as a man in society. The unwritten rules among boys and men, do not allow for emotions to be expressed. Katz's interviewee admits, " you learn early on to hide what you feel," (Katz 485). The rules of boyhood present a problem when boys, who have trained themselves to not show emotion, become men. Men remember not showing emotion as boys, so it becomes difficult to show emotion while an adult.

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Many women feel that the men in their lives do not show enough emotion. Men do not show as much emotion as women as a result of emotion suppression as boys. Men seem to follow the rule of never talking about anything of substance. Also, men and women view problems differently. Women empathize with each other and relate their own problems to the speaker, while men believe that their problems are not that bad (Tannen 4). In Sex, Lies, and Conversation, Deborah Tannen discusses some of the problems couples face as a result of the male point of view and lack of communication. The most common reason for failed marriages is lack of communication, (Tannen ). Women prefer to their husbands to be participatory listeners. That is, listeners who make noises while listening such as "mmhm," "uhhuh," and "yeah,". These noises reassure the woman that the conversation partner is listening. Also when women speak, they tend to prefer a conversation partner that will agree with them. Men on the other hand prefer to debate things. While this seems like a minor difference, it can cause problems with women looking for support from their husbands or partners. Women may see a man's point in the conversation as an attack.

While it seems that the male lack of communication and refusal to show emotion are the only two reasons communication fails, women also contribute to the problem. To many men, the constant listener-noises that women make act as a sign of overreaction or impatience. Also, when women practice "participatory listening," men see it as an interruption and intrusion.

To fix communication problems, couples need to work to make compromises or to change. The difficult aspect of communication for many men is showing emotions. In Katz's How Boys Become Men, his interviewee admits, "I've gotten better at [showing emotions], but it will never come naturally," (Katz 485). But while many men struggle to show emotion and talk about their feelings, some seem to develop a softer side over night. According to Katz, "Some men get shocked into sensitivity- when they lose their jobs, their wives, or their lovers. Others learn it through a strong marriage, or through their own children," (Katz 485). Once men begin to feel comfortable with their emotions, they should learn how to comfortably communicate with wives or lovers. Making eye contact and using appropriate body language are also two important thing women look at during communication. In order to feel more comfortable while talking, men shouldn't interpret "listening noises," as noises of judgment or impatience. Women make noises like "mmhm," in order to let the speaker know he or she is being listened to. Men also need to realize when women practice "participatory listening," and finish each others sentences, it isn't a sign of impatience or lack of attention. Participatory listening is in fact, the female way of showing support and empathy. Women can also help communicate with their partners. It is natural for a man to present a different point of view while speaking to a woman. Women need to learn not to take this new point of view as an attack. Also, women should understand that in order to show emotions and feeling, men must fight through a lifetime of acting tough and hiding emotions.

Society has conflicting expectations of boys and men. Boys act tough, show no fear, and never cry. Men are not expected to act too differently from boys until they become involved in a relationship or marriage. When communication problems arise, men are forced to overcome their boyhood lessons and rules in order to become better partners. Gaining harmony with emotions and feeling is the male's first step in becoming a better communicator.

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